Knowing what words are out there and how they make you feel is often a significant step in making yourself more comfortable. It can help a lot to talk with others or yourself about how you feel about the relationship between your gender, romance, and sex. Some folks like to journal or create art about these feelings. Try a word, label, or term out for yourself aloud. “I am a beautiful boyfriend,” and if you can’t get a feel for it, ask a partner or loved one to use it in a low-pressure situation.

Words connected to romance can carry a lot of weight. Terms of endearment can have a lot of societal significance, and the impact of having them used for you may make you uncomfortable. While gender is a societal construct in many cultures, that does not mean it does not still impact you. The trauma you may have behind a phrase is a common reason not to want it used for you. Thinking about what affectionate names or compliments make you uncomfortable and then reflecting on that can be a great tool in learning about your relationship to gender.

We may think that binary transgender people would fall into the societal binary language we use, but this may not be the case. Queer folks have used terms like “pretty boy” and “handsome woman” for years. The idea that your ‘trans card’ can be taken away because of a word you use to describe yourself is a product of certain societal and internet cultures, but it isn’t true. Trans people have a long history of redefining the words and terms they use for themselves and others. You can use she/her pronouns and want to be called boyfriend or vice versa. Maybe you like all the terms! Your gender and how you want to be referred to can be entirely unrelated; what is important is that you are confident and comfortable.

People who do not identify with binary gendered terms most commonly use the word “partner” to refer to themselves, but just like we talked about with binary folks, you can use any gendered term you like. If it makes you comfortable, that is all that matters. Many people who do not identify with binary genders have adopted and created other gender-neutral terms, including joyfriend, beau, companion, and lover. There is no wrong answer; you can even make up your own. Have fun with your language the same way you have fun with gender.